The Phoenix, In Short Order
by DarkRose3
Summary: Order of the Phoenix Parody - DarkRose attempts to summarize 870 pages and 38 chapters into a very shortened fic!
1. Chapters 0 through 16

THE PHOENIX, IN SHORT ORDER

a parody, of course

__

A/N: YEY!! Tons of Harry Potter addicts have been waiting a veeeeeeeery long time for yet another of J. K. Rowling's hideous installments, and many of them have read through the whole thing - all 870 pages. I'm getting there. But I did get the book the day it came out, and as I was only through the 3rd chapter and being painfully reminded of "Goblet of Fire", I thought to myself, "Wow, this is going to be really long and drawn out, and I'm going to torture myself reading it because it's going to be so boring," 

-and, after agreeing with myself, I added, "The worst part is, it's just to justify selling the thing for thirty dollars, as if these people needed more money that could be used to help the needy or save the enviroment!" and then commented silently, "I bet Rowling could write the same exact book with about a third of the pages. Hell, I bet even I could do that!" 

And here we are, my friends, flamers, and fellow internet junkies. This is my attempt at making "Order of the Phoenix" as short as possible. And it's in script format ^__^ because that owns all, of course. This will be my only A/N here *hears a huge sigh of relief spread across the world) so ... um... enjoy! and REEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIEEEEEW! pwease?

Pre-Opening the Book!

**********

Cover: I am very very very *BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*BLUE*

[Yup, that's all anyone was really amazed about]

Dudley Demented

*********

Harry: I have blatant adolescent angst! YAR! *runs away*

Dudley: I am in a gang! YAR! *runs around gangly*

Dementors: We are evil and... stuff. *attempt to suck souls out of Harry and Dudley*

Harry's Patronus: Lookit me! I'm illegal! ^__^ 

Dementors: YAR! *run away*

A Peck Of Owls

*********

Mrs. Kitty Lady: Lookit me! I'm a Squib because Rowling can't come up with interesting plot twists!

Dursleys: Oh no! DUUUUDLEEEEY!

Harry: Oh no! I'm going to be expelled because the Ministry is full of MORONS!

Aunt Petunia: Oh no! I'm not supposed to have a human side! *thwaps Rowling*

Uncle Vernon: I don't! I'm OVERLY PREDICTABLE and PROUD!!!

The Advance Guard

*********

Harry: I'm locked in my room! *sniff* I miss my cupboard... *rages adolescently*

Random Guard Wizards: Yey! We have perfect timing and interesting names!!! And most of us are former characters!

Loyal Fans of HP: NO! Don't ruin them, please!!!

Random Guard Wizards: Yey! Let's fly away with Harry! 

Number 12, Grimmauld Place

**********

Irony: Yey! The good wizards all live in an evil house!!! I feel so important *huggles self*

Ron and Hermoine: Yey! We've been living in the same house all summer! 

Harry: *Rages in a Blatant Attempt To Be Adolescent*

Percy: I'm a git! Git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git... GIT!

Order: *secretive*

Tonks: Yey! Now I'm going to be comic relief too! What. Fun.

The Order of the Phoenix

**********

Sirius: This... is.. my house! This is my house! Won't you please stay at my evil house?

Random Residents: *eat*

Mrs. Weasley: *acts completely out of character, just like Harry!*

Sirius: YAR! no! We're 93 pages in! At least can we start a little bit of plot!!?!

Plot: *attempts to "start'*

The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black

**********

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: Let's stay up late suspecting random things!

Loyal Fans: Oh, the Nostalgia!!!

Kreacher: YAR! I'm an evil twisted house elf! And you thought we couldn't get more odd!

Sirius: Look! I have the magic power of geneaology and I'm related to evil people!..Oh, and Harry's going to court

Harry: ....oh.

The Ministry of Magic

**********

Harry: Hey everyone! I conveniently can't sleep! 

Mr. Weasley: Cool! Let's go early to your trial!

Sirius: *sniff* your first trial...

Kingsley: *monotone* We must be secret, for the good of the mission!

Random Female Voice: Mwahaha! I have destroyed the comfort of horrid elevator music forever!!

Harry: Now I know this is going to be a bad day!

The Hearing

**********

Fudge: You're guilty!!! guilty guilty guilty guilty...

Harry: Um... No??!!

Dumbledore: Lookit me arrive in the nick of time!

Wizengamot: oo! Just like Magic!

DarkRose: Ow... Sorry, I deserved a thwapping for that one.

The Woes of Mrs. Weasley

**********

Ron and Hermione: Yey! We're prefects and Harry isn't! This is NOT foreshadowing!!

Harry: YAR! More Raging is needed at this INJUSTICE! 

Order: _ party!!

Mrs. Weasley: WAAH! They're all gonna die!!.......No..... really... they are...

Luna Lovegood

********

Sirius: Woof!

Hogwarts Express: Whistle!

Neville's Random Cactus which isn't mentioned again until the last 2 pages: Squirt!

Luna: fwooo....

Hagrid: Poof!

Thestral: Invisible Evil In Hogwarts! *symbolism*

The Sorting Hat's New Song

*********

Sorting Hat: SUMMARY TIME, KIDS!!! We all hate each other here at Hogwarts!

Umbridge: *is extremely annoying*

Seamus: Harry's a bloody lunatic!!!

Professor Umbridge

*********

Harry and Ron: Yey! We convieniently only have the classes Rowling enjoys writing about!

Umbridge: I'm annoying and should go eat rocks! 

Dark Arts Class: YAR! We're rebellious!

Detention With Dolores

*********

Hogwarts Teachers: OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL OWL...

Malfoy: *sneer* no more Hagrid!!!

Umbridge: *Annoying and Evil!* Write in your own BLOOD! *smiles girlishly*

Readers and Characters Alike: _ *yar...*

Percy and Padfoot

**********

Harry: Lookit me write in code!

Cho: Lookit me be all... girly!

Filch: Lookit me making an arse of myself!

Percy: Did we mention I'm a complete GIT???

The Hogwarts High Inquistor

*********

Percy: Wait, I'm only one of many GIT's in the Ministry!!

Fudge: We're dumb AND evil, too!

Trelawney: Oh no... I forsee... a great... inspection... ending in daark failure (and Harry Potter's tragic and untimely doom!^__^)

McGonagall: YAR! I own this place with my awesomeness!

Umbridge: I should go fall off a cliff or something...

Hermoine and Ron: Harry can teach us Dark Arts now that we're rebellious teenagers!


	2. Chapters 16 through 21

In the Hog's Head

*********

Harry: Ok! I'll teach stuff! 

Hog's Head: griiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime is goooooooooooooooooood, kiddies!

Harry: bla bla bla heroics bla bla bla...

Hoggy Warty Children: @_@ yey!!! Now we can be the Secret Society of Dumbledore's Army (pronounced 'DUH' when abbreviated)

Educational Decree Number 24

**********

Umbridge: BAH! I am annoying and I will soon take over the school! Oh, and everything's banned!

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: NO! We are infused with the power of Rebellion!

Angelina: wah! No _Quidditch_!

DarkRose: O_O Olly..... *sobs hysterically*

Hedwig: OW!

Sirius: Help! I almost got.. *gasp* caught!!!

Dumbledore's Army

**********

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: More suspecting! ^__^ Ah, the good ol' days...

Gryffindor Quidditch: Wow... Rain sucks!

Harry: Must.. contemplate.. Voldie... O_O o_o -_-

Dobby: I love clothes! ^__^ Oh, and I know where DA can meet...

DA: Whee! Let's practice curses!

The Lion and The Serpent

***********

Ron: Waah! I'm so nervous about Quidditch!

Luna:...hat.... hat... hat... hat...

Slytherins: We're such jerks!! Mwahaha!

Ron: U_U

Griffy Team: _ Oh no! We're losing!

Malfoy, Harry, George: *fistfight*

Umbridge: I'm annoying and evil! Harry and the twins will never play again!!!!

World: *gasp*

Hagrid's Tale

********

Hagrid: Honey, I'm hoome!

Fang: *bark*

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: O_O

Hagrid; I went to go negotiate with real live giants!

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine: O_O

Eye of the Snake

*******

Hagrid: Yey! Come and see the death horseys, kiddies!

Kiddies: EEK! Where are they?!?

Umbridge: I *points to self* should go *runs in place* fall *pantomines falling* off a cliff *stretches arms up* and Hagrid *oafish* is going to be fired *waves goodbye*

Cho: WAH! I miss Cedric! ... Ooh! Mistletoe!

Harry: *eats Mr. Weasley in his dreams*


End file.
